What conspiracy? -- Avoiding academe's ax murderers -- How to get what you want in academe -- That's your opinion -- Holding ourselves accountable -- If universities were democracies -- Creating a culture of mutual respect -- A culture of openness -- To party, or not to party -- Yes, big brother is watching -- How to join the dark side -- The importance of protocol -- The administrator as magician -- The burden of confidentiality -- Avoiding the hunker-down strategy -- Resist the rush to judgment in disputes -- Why rules matter -- We can't do that here -- The delicate art of rejection -- Let's just do our jobs -- The cost of doing business -- The unkindest cut of all -- If only I knew then -- Carnegie matters -- Growing pains -- Why universities specialize -- Why universities reorganize -- The importance of external boards -- Certifying online research -- Why universities are streamlining their curricula -- Should we ditch football? -- How not to reform humanities scholarship -- The limits of academic freedom -- Exactly what is "shared governance"? -- When to dissolve a faculty senate -- It is who you know, and who knows you -- Praising you as we should -- How we value faculty work -- We really like you -- A creature of our own making -- How not to measure faculty productivity -- Fight your own battles -- How to run a meeting -- Don't just search, recruit -- Why settle for second best? -- The proper way to court -- But she was our top choice -- The academic job search and the Internet -- I'm your millstone -- Commencement matters -- Can you spare a dime? -- The ethics of technology -- E-mails are forever -- Keeping your emeriti close -- What deans expect of department heads -- How not to evaluate your department head -- Investigate me, please -- Safety first.